All Growed Up

Posted on February 25, 2011
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~ e. e. cummings

Imagine that sound of bassy, echoey drums being rolled. Not like a sharp, snappy, magician or comedian drum roll; More the tribal rolling of drums, as if something epic or meaningful is about to happen. This is what I imagine would sound in the distance, in the movie of my life, when I reach a major turning point.

To anyone over the age of 16, I think the idea of a maturity turning point should be fairly obvious. What is not immediately obvious to the teenager might be that life is full of these. They keep on happening. So as I mentioned, usually the first noticeable (that isn't to say this would be the first, but maybe… the first major) maturity turning point happens for the teenager who is hovering around the topic of their first time having sex.

Unfortunately, this can happen sooner or later than someone might wish… but either way, sex is usually a turning point (or the catalyst of a turning point to come -no pun intended), even if it turns a person in the wrong direction. From there you start thinking of relationships as much more important, and permanent than you used to. Most people step up into high school just a little less petty and foolish than they were in middle school.

As you move through graduation, and college, and your first job, and your first time being fired from a job, your first big breakup maybe… you keep facing up to this maturity thing. Every time you turn a corner there's a new epiphany making you grow up just a little bit more. You maybe sigh and go "Oh crap, what an idiot… well ok, here we go again, the right way this time."

I'm on my way to age 30, just a few more months now (10 to be exact). Seems like sex is stirring up a new turning point for me. My turning point now is realizing that in order to reach my next life goal, I must change the way I think about myself, completely. This is not to imply that I would lose myself, but rather I have to modify how I think and behave and picture myself (no more stressing about what size jeans I have to fit into). My goal is to have my first child. For the past few years I've been gearing up for it, and for the past whole year my husband and I have been actively planning, preparing (mentally and financially), and trying for this.

In my preparation I realized things, one by one in small bite-sized epiphanies. I had to drop some thing out of my life. Some things I enjoy (caffeine! oh god, caffeine!) and even some things that I thought defined me (my slightly high-strung, argumentative nature *ahem*), can be hazardous to this future child I'd like to bare. Within the last few days I realized that for the next good while -if I do get pregnant- my body will no longer belong solely to me. It will house my child for the better part of a year, and then feed my child beyond that. From there my daily energies, wants, and needs become my child's needs above and before my own.

I'm ready for this, but as I said, I only just realized I have to seriously redefine what I feel is important, and start thinking of the child first, even before I get pregnant. My body needs to be full of vitamins, my health and mind need to be in harmony, by finances and relationships all need to be calm and in order. Above all, I need to really analyze and prepare for all of my routines to change and morph as I go through all of this. The bright point for me is how rewarding I know this will ultimately be, and those drastic changes don't have to be a forever thing either. I also can relax on the knowledge that my husband will be free to care about my needs as I go about sacrificing things for the child's needs in body and mind.

I guess the biggest thing was that, as I picture myself as a mother instead of a young upstart, I look at things I used to care about, or make a big deal about and I scoff at how petty they now seem. So here I am, right on the cusp of my next step of maturity, and it feels damn good, actually. I feel a lot of relief, that's always the reward you get from growing up. You take on new scary responsibilities, but you're armed with the permission to grow up, you're not in the dark anymore, the confidence builds up behind you and that relaxes you.

It's like an "ah ha!" moment. Even just writing this out, gives me cause to stop, sigh, and smile.

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Obligatory Introductions…

Posted on February 20, 2011
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
~ e. e. cummings

My name is Lynn (also known as natsuki or natsukigirl online, I also sometimes go by the moniker tokirocket or riotalice). As of writing this post I am a 29-year-old web developer girl (oh come on, let me be a girl just for a little while longer, hey?), living near Los Angeles, California with my programmer husband Darrell and two female cats, Lydia (tortie) and Pyper (tabby). My current goal in life is to start my family (see also: produce demon spawn). We've been trying for about a year (we even have our names picked out; Parker for a girl, and Elliot or Benjamin for a boy), but apparently one of the reasons it's taking so long is we haven't been "timing things right"... who knew sex was so hard?

I've been online since the age of 12, and have been a web-designer for almost just as long. When I first discovered fan-made anime websites I immediately wanted to create one of my own, for the series Sailormoon. My father handed me a book about HTML and told me that if I learned to hand-code and planned out my website, that he would get me a domain name. That domain is (I haven't updated it in several years, and I'm currently in the process of moving it over to my new server). I do not remember what life was like before computers, manga, and the internet.

I am most well known online for being an extremely avid ( some may say, elitist ^^;; ) Japanese manga (comic books) collector. I heavily promote the idea of collecting and reading manga in it's original language (enjoy them the way the artist originally intended) and thusly I enjoy promoting the learning of the Japanese language whenever possible. I myself have been studying Japanese both casually and formally since the age of 13. Although I can easily enjoy the manga I collect, and find it fairly simple to articulate myself in Japanese online, a recent trip to Japan showed me that I shouldn't be so cocky to claim any real fluency. I hope to remedy this in the coming years as I would like to raise my children with a strong knowledge of Japanese in addition to native English.

I'm also fairly well know in Japanese music circles as the girl who made (The girlyrock site is also temporarily down as I'm moving to a new server)

Besides manga I also collect and photograph Japanese and Korean fashion dolls ( 着せ替え人形 ). Some examples of dolls I collect would be; Takara Neo Blythe dolls (Japanese Blythe doll modeled after the 1972 vintage Blythe doll by Kenner), Takara Licca-chan, Sekiguchi Momoko, and a variety of ball-jointed (articulated resin) dolls from Latidoll, Fairyland, Luts, and Volks... among others.

The goal of this blog is to regain my blogging legs and actually write something useful, about hobbies and life... a far cry from the ten long years of petty personal blogging I did in my youth and young adult years. I hope to be both edifying and entertaining with my writing here. Thank you for visiting. :)

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