All Growed Up

Posted on February 25, 2011
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
~ e. e. cummings

Imagine that sound of bassy, echoey drums being rolled. Not like a sharp, snappy, magician or comedian drum roll; More the tribal rolling of drums, as if something epic or meaningful is about to happen. This is what I imagine would sound in the distance, in the movie of my life, when I reach a major turning point.

To anyone over the age of 16, I think the idea of a maturity turning point should be fairly obvious. What is not immediately obvious to the teenager might be that life is full of these. They keep on happening. So as I mentioned, usually the first noticeable (that isn't to say this would be the first, but maybe… the first major) maturity turning point happens for the teenager who is hovering around the topic of their first time having sex.

Unfortunately, this can happen sooner or later than someone might wish… but either way, sex is usually a turning point (or the catalyst of a turning point to come -no pun intended), even if it turns a person in the wrong direction. From there you start thinking of relationships as much more important, and permanent than you used to. Most people step up into high school just a little less petty and foolish than they were in middle school.

As you move through graduation, and college, and your first job, and your first time being fired from a job, your first big breakup maybe… you keep facing up to this maturity thing. Every time you turn a corner there's a new epiphany making you grow up just a little bit more. You maybe sigh and go "Oh crap, what an idiot… well ok, here we go again, the right way this time."

I'm on my way to age 30, just a few more months now (10 to be exact). Seems like sex is stirring up a new turning point for me. My turning point now is realizing that in order to reach my next life goal, I must change the way I think about myself, completely. This is not to imply that I would lose myself, but rather I have to modify how I think and behave and picture myself (no more stressing about what size jeans I have to fit into). My goal is to have my first child. For the past few years I've been gearing up for it, and for the past whole year my husband and I have been actively planning, preparing (mentally and financially), and trying for this.

In my preparation I realized things, one by one in small bite-sized epiphanies. I had to drop some thing out of my life. Some things I enjoy (caffeine! oh god, caffeine!) and even some things that I thought defined me (my slightly high-strung, argumentative nature *ahem*), can be hazardous to this future child I'd like to bare. Within the last few days I realized that for the next good while -if I do get pregnant- my body will no longer belong solely to me. It will house my child for the better part of a year, and then feed my child beyond that. From there my daily energies, wants, and needs become my child's needs above and before my own.

I'm ready for this, but as I said, I only just realized I have to seriously redefine what I feel is important, and start thinking of the child first, even before I get pregnant. My body needs to be full of vitamins, my health and mind need to be in harmony, by finances and relationships all need to be calm and in order. Above all, I need to really analyze and prepare for all of my routines to change and morph as I go through all of this. The bright point for me is how rewarding I know this will ultimately be, and those drastic changes don't have to be a forever thing either. I also can relax on the knowledge that my husband will be free to care about my needs as I go about sacrificing things for the child's needs in body and mind.

I guess the biggest thing was that, as I picture myself as a mother instead of a young upstart, I look at things I used to care about, or make a big deal about and I scoff at how petty they now seem. So here I am, right on the cusp of my next step of maturity, and it feels damn good, actually. I feel a lot of relief, that's always the reward you get from growing up. You take on new scary responsibilities, but you're armed with the permission to grow up, you're not in the dark anymore, the confidence builds up behind you and that relaxes you.

It's like an "ah ha!" moment. Even just writing this out, gives me cause to stop, sigh, and smile.

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  1. I know where you are. Been there twice now as you already know. Children are the greatest adventure we can have as human beings. I used to say this about a lot of things before I had mine. They are the mid-terms to the rest of our lives. Putting to the test everything we know and don’t know thus far. But ultimately making us wiser and better people as a whole. You are so lucky or maybe not lucky to be able to prepare like this. I can’t say it will make it a breeze for ya but every little bit helps. Hehe. ^^

  2. I have had quite a few “grown up” moments this past week. My wonderful Grammy Myers passed away last Sunday and it seems like going through these major things in life really make you stop and realize, hey, maybe I do feel like an adult even though I’m almost 30. I have to agree with you completely on a lot of things here. I am so happy for you and it sounds like you’re ready for this next step in your life. You can never really be “ready” for something so challenging and life-changing, but I think you’re smart that you’ve waited till you’re at a point where you are prepared. If and when Aleksei and I decide we’re at that point, we want it to be as well planned out as everything else, but I know that nothing can ever be that perfect. Kids come with no instructions and can be unexpected.

    It’s funny, cause I haven’t really felt that “adult” or “grown-up” feeling during the past two years as we got married, built a house, etc, until my grandma was gone. Now I’ve begun to really think about life and my parents and treasuring everything I have. The love of my family and great friends. It seems like it’s impossible that we are turning 30, it went by so fast. Glad you posted this and I read it, again, I’m so excited for you. I will live vicariously through others with babies for now. Thinking about you and hoping for you to be fertile. That sounds weird, I doubt they make a greeting card for that. LOL.

    I’ve been meaning to tell you also that i keep thinking of you when I hear Lady Gaga. She is so influenced by the stuff we grew up with and so much of her music reminds me of the times we used to listen to Ace of Base and TLC (her new song Born This Way reminds me of Waterfalls in places). LOL, don’t know if you listen to her, but thought it was funny.

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